Recently I have been thinking about belief systems, and the difficulties one faces when those belief systems are challenged.
Now I have developed quite a reputation recently of writing things that really start strong and end with that marvel move ending (shallow and inept)
okay, so those of you that are still with me after that marvel comment lets continue on shall we?
okay, so belief systems… what exactly does that mean?
I guess that’s the easiest way to describe it, however Today I want to discuss self imposed beliefs; the ones that we carry with us, that we intrinsically believe without any real rhyme or reason…. Well reasons that we could say verbally that don’t come across as a foolish way of thinking.
For example, for me; I have held this belief with me that I am in fact a bad person… I often think/feel that regardless of my actions or the amount I try and help others that I can’t erase my badness and I always end up feeling like I am doing others wrong constantly.
Now, I did a charity fundraiser with Beyond blue a while ago and helped raise some much needed money for life line. So this included doing m.c work at a gala dinner, tell some jokes, singing a few numbers just standard entertainment stuff…
Now even though I did that and helped raise over $150k in donations I went home that night and cried.
Why was I crying I have no idea, I just was… I still felt that I was trying to absolve myself from some past deed that I hadn’t ever done.
So why do I believe that I am a bad person? To be honest I can’t give you a reason, but for some reason I have always believed this…
I’ve gone through some huge changes over the past 12 months, and I have been confronted with this belief system time and time again…
despite the fact that all of my relationships post divorce have been massively positive, and those around me seem to genuinely care about my well being. Even old friends I have managed to reconnect too have expressed genuine interest and concern.
so why do I feel so bad?
depression will do it, however I think there is more to it then that. You ever get told by someone that you are no good at something? be it a sport, playing an instrument or even something as expressionist as dancing to the music playing.
Imagine how you felt when you where told constantly that you where bad at the thing, did you not want to quit after a while? I imagine that’s what I felt, through out my marriage and even now I am constantly told I am a horrible person, father, liar, cheat and a thief almost on a daily basis…
Does that make it true?
Absolutely not, and it’s become abundantly clear that since that time that all the negative things that was said to me was more of a reflection of a single person then any of the actions I may or may not have done… For example, I never committed an adulterous act thought I was and still am punished for something I never did. I guess being a liar, well I am guilty of that, but out of self preservation rather then any malicious act. Those who know this particular person (whom I won’t name.) has a tendency to fly off on a tangent, and become irate over the smallest possible detail. So something as little as me buying a coke to drink on my way home from work would become a one sided screaming match about how I waste funds.
as for being a horrible person, I still believe I am… At least a little bit, though there is no proof that I am, nor are my actions in anyway of any intention to hurt.
if you are asking why would you still feel bad if you aren’t really a bad guy, then you are hitting the nail on the head…
So my belief that I am a bad guy is a self ingrained belief that has been drilled into my subconscious over a long period of time. However recently I have had that challenged by the comments of others, and love that I receive on a daily basis….
So I had to come to terms that all the things I have believed about myself as in fact wrong, and this wasn’t easy. I imagine that this is a similar battle that people who’s belief systems involve religion or an ideology, even more so if all your social circles are involved in reinforcing that belief system.
having that challenged is a painful thing to accept, and being open to the change that something is often polarising thing to go through; I imagine that an apt description would be something along the lines of a Vegan being convinced that the ingestion of meat isn’t a negative thing to do, and that in fact it can be positive thing to do (now please don’t mistake this example as me aligning to any political or social stance.) As you can imagine coming to that realisation would be a hard thing to deal with for that person, but them being open to it means their understanding of themselves and the world around them has become that much greater.
For me it was confronting these demons that served to be the greatest battle I had faced… These days I don’t see myself as the Villain, nor do I see myself as a hero, I am very much the flawed person that many of us are. I happen to know that we all carry with us a small about of embedded guilt that is completely unnecessary, and that is okay; but please in time learn to accept that part of yourself and challenge yourself to push to do more, to be better and you will see from the people around you that you aren’t a negative person, you are just you; and there is nothing wrong with that.
please be safe, love each other and I hope that this talks to you in some small way.
also, I want to take a moment to say hello to the new readers that have found there way here after a really kind recommendation that came my way yesterday. I hope that my work doesn’t come across as whinny, my goal is to give a voice to those who wouldn’t otherwise know how to reach out, I hope that for those few people they see this feel like they are not alone…