life moves on.

https://medium.com/wake-up-call/coping-with-loneliness-in-social-isolation-cb6822293a7c

This morning I woke up, and checked my phone… It was 6:30 and my alarm had just gone off.
I greeted the day with a text message from my beloved saying “Morning sweet heart, I hope you had the best dreams. I’ll see you tonight xox.” reading this, I could hear the sweet song of her Filipino accent, and I looked at the cutie pie smiling face she sent me, after a moment I got up made a coffee and proceeded to get ready for work, today marked day 4 of the shoot and I’m working on the climax of the film.

I get into my car and flick on the radio there’s been a state of emergency issued by the NSW government due to the bush fire crisis currently going on, and a public health warning has been issued to stay inside if you are suffering from a repertory illnesses due to the smoke.
I messaged a good friend of mind, to wish her a good morning and she replied to me saying “Big day today, keep breathing and stay in the moment.” I could always count on her to remember whats happening in my life, in fact I often rely on it as my memory can be shocking at times.

So I begin to drive to my co workers place to pickup her up, I will be working with her today in finishing the film. The moment she gets into the car its like we performing, our characters are lovers and although we are staying stickily professional, the tension in the car is palpable. I put on some trans music and we continue to drive to Fox studios, from her home it’s about a 20 minute drive. I always feel ready when I’m working with her, her passion for our craft always revs me up to a level where I feel like I can tackle any role.

We arrive on set, and the we hear the AD and Gaffer having a discussion about the setup of the lighting rigs, one complaining it’s going way to slow, and the other retorting that the time taken is how long it takes to focus the light properly.
I look at my friend, lift my eye brow in a manor stating “typical day on set.” A few hours pass and we are finally called to begin working on the final scene, its a total of five shots which will take approximately 5 hours to complete.
We perform them get the wrap and are dismissed from set, after a long day of working this emotionally heaving scene. My friend and I get into my car and I drive her home, fist bump her as she gets out of the car and I proceed to drive to my partners house, we have at this point been together for three months, and I’m meeting her family for the first time.
I honestly am excited, this woman is kind, beautiful and so very intelligent, honestly everything I am looking for.

I arrive to the house hearing the laughter and joy coming from this beautiful family who just enjoy their own company. I knock on the door and my lady comes gives me a giant hug and brings me inside.
all excitedly she walks me into the main room and her family stop mid sentence, and stare at the 32 year old 5’10 anglo man standing in their lounge room. she breaks the silence by saying “Everyone this is Richard, my boyfriend, please say hello and introduce yourself.” at that moment the entire mood of the room shifted back to the jovial state it was in before.
One by one her family would approach me and give me small talk, then move on, everyone but my partners father. He sat in the corner talking with his brother without acknowledging of my existence at all. As the night moved on, we had all eaten and sung karaoke I picked up a fresh drink that my partners dad had been drinking, sat down with him and introduced myself.
He asked me three questions,
1) what do you want with my daughter?
2) why did you get divorced?
3) Do you have children?

In an attempt to gain a little respect I was honest with him, and I said “Sir, I am in love with your daughter, and I hope to one day marry her and grow old with her. As for my marriage, her and I got married at 19, and as I was signed to tour a production, I was travailing a lot and over the course of us being together we discovered that we simply didn’t know each other anymore. To ensure that our children grew up happy, it is better for them to have two loving homes then one sad one.” he stated that he appreciated my honesty and asked me about the film project I was currently working on. I told him its a coming of age story about a man rediscovering his past and encountering the love of his life, whom he believed was gone forever.
The evening seemed to be going well, we laughed sung some more and drank till we couldn’t drink anymore.

In the morning I woke up next to my partner, she was snoring with her head resting softly on my chest. I got a vibration from my phone from my bed side table, an email stating that I had been nominated for the best actor from a stage production I had been apart of.
I gave my partner a huge hug and kissed her gently on the top of the head and went back to sleep.
I later woke up to her standing over me holding a coffee in her hand, she put it on the table, and leaned over and gave me a kiss. ” I love you baby, I hope you know that.” I nodded and told her that I love her too.
I sat up to drink my coffee and take in what has otherwise been an amazing morning. She sat down on the bed looked me in the eye and said “Babe, I just had a conversation with my dad, and he doesn’t want me to be with you anymore. He feels that you have too much life experience for me to handle, and that things in your personal life will be too messy for me to deal with.” I had to take a moment to process what she said, and on top of that process why a 27 year old is letting her parents decide what she is to do with her life.

she said she was sorry, and that she wishes me the best, pickup her bag and walked out. That was the last time I was ever to see that woman, from here I found myself with a hole in my chest, and I was looking to fill that hole with anything I could. I was too emotionally connected to this woman to just let this disappear, yet I didn’t find anyone else who I had that kind of connection with.

In the absence of my ex partner I found myself lost, dating dates i simply shouldn’t have gone on, and exploring a part of relationship sphere, just trying to find ways to heal… Then Co-vid hit and NSW became locked down. I was lucky to be able lean on my two best friends, one who’s so level headed she keeps me grounded, and the other sparks my creativity so strongly that ended up directing a play live streamed as some form of relief for those suffering with isolation issues during the lock down. I had at this point deleted all of the dating apps off my phone, I just wanted to heal and be the best me possible.

After about six months, I decided I would try dating again; Co-Vid had dropped off a little, and everything was starting to reopen. Naturally I met a few people, one spent our entire date crying about a guy who wanted to use her to cheat on her partner, and strangely enough she was actually interested in him. The other I fell for the moment I saw her, her voice was like music in my ears; she could make me laugh without even trying and was so intelligent she hardly even needed to speak to hold my attention. I got two dates out of her and she vanished…

By this time my two friends and I had pretty much stayed the same, my level headed friend was still easily available, and my actor friend started seeing someone.

it wasn’t until August where I woke up to a text message saying goodbye, from my artistic friend. Stating that she was trying to grow and I am preventing her from doing so.

So here I am, its September, where my year started so promising, it ended poorly, I had my heart broken three times this year, I lost all of my work and so much love in my life has vanished.
I might just hit the bottle.

Wow, really… now?

So I am writing to try and calm myself.

You see, this week has been a tough one, not that any bad things have happened, well… one did, but other good things happened too.

But mentally, I have been in a terrible place.

My Anxiety has blown up like crazy, the worst it has in a long time, my stomach is in notts, I have been throwing up over nothing, my heart is constantly racing, and I have the sickly sinking feeling.

There is a thought that constantly goes through my head, and when it does it spikes again… I am not going to share it, it’s very personal even for me.

I am laying in bed, wishing for it to go away and I can’t make it.

No matter what, it feels hopeless.

Rick.

It’s the end of the year… Things to remember

 

So this year is ending, and its time to reflect, make peace and move forward.

Are you one of those people who set goals for the following year?

for me I tend too…. but to be fair, I am staying away from the traditional “New Years Resolution.” As they often seem trivial and are lost quite early into the year. For me its more about setting up the future to be more vibrant.

I have set these goals for myself.

  1. Complete my first feature script
  2. Begin my second
  3. Work with a colleague and write a script
  4. High School musical (Musical Direction.)
  5. work on my mental health.

if you noticed everything I have mentioned here are tasks, job, things that will set the future up.
There is still hope in my life, I have reconnected with someone I really care about, and lost another.
Though I have no idea where my future leads, I do know that I need to keep moving forward.

 

A few things I want you to keep saying to yourself, as no matter what is going on in life, you will face challenges, and you will be able to overcome them.

  1. If you have feelings for someone tell them, or you might lose them
  2. No matter how dark the night is, the dawn will always wash it away
  3. You are stronger then your core beliefs.
  4. You are worth it
  5. You are not trouble, and genuine people around you will stay no matter how hard you think you are.

So send that text, you can make it work and you can have your expectations of rejection shattered.

 

Please look after yourself

Rick.

Drinking, thinking and always sinking

 

In my day job I work I work as a new accounts manager for a Wholesale business, naturally I deal a lot with trades people.

there is something that I have noticed… nearly every single person who works in the trade I sell too loves to drink.

I was doing some research on this, and most article I read hinted that this is a case of “Toxic Masculinity.” others claimed it was/is the Australian way to drink in excess…

I have another take on it, and it isn’t in agreement with the other two; When I walk to these people I get fed the impression that they have been “Looking forward” to their Friday drinks all week.

This honestly makes me sad!

Is life in Sydney so stressful that our physical workers need a depressant to get through the week?
Sometimes it’s even more then a one night affair, I’ve been to the pub for dinner on a Tuesday night, and seen Men in fluoros struggling to stand up.

This represents a bigger problem then “Toxic Masculinity.” Or Australia’s drinking culture.
For me watching hordes of young men running to the bar after work speaks louder of the mental health system in Australia. These are a group of people who work from dawn and often into the evening, they are tired and in desperate need for an outlet and our city and society fails them.

The idea that all these people have to look forward to is inebriation is scary, we need more to help us deal with the daily stresses.
For me My thought is that we need greater access to mental health treatment, we need more activities to give us something to look forward too and we need to find alternatives to excessive drinking whilst socializing.
For this to happen we need a greater outlet and outreach for people in the city. With Australia being a new nation, and we are seeking to form our own national identity; I would recommend that we look towards Europe, in Germany it’s common place for people to see multiple theatrical productions in a week, in some cases people would two a day, averaging about three a week. In Sydney the average population is lucky to see one production a year, and of that they are a major musical. Football (soccer) the most played sport in Australia is also the most expensive, as the cost for our children to play the sport is through the roof, at junior level fee’s are $350 a season for Football (Soccer.) if your child reaches Elite level the fee’s increase to $2500 for a season. In Germany, I found from DFB the cost for juniors to play is €35 a season, that equates to $70 Aud. The cost for tickets in Germany for premier league games is €15 for general admission, and €8 for standing tickets.
Where as here to see a live sporting event cost in excess of $30 a ticket (except for the Australian Baseball league which offers general admission for $17.) The average Theatre performance is $35 a ticket, in Europe €10.
Even Geek circles offer an amazing opportunity for people who have no outlet too… For example the Warhammer community often loves new players, more often then not offering chances for new players to socialise with experienced players and learn more about the game.

My biggest concern is that we have two generations of people (particularly men) who look forward to drinking more then anything else.
This is something that I feel needs to be addressed, and I believe that this is a directly associated to a complete lack of life satisfaction. We are brought up with the idea that we Eat, work, sleep repeat. We often forget to play, and when we do we often drink to medicate our deeper seeded issues.

I am not going to say that Drinking it self is a problem, however our reliance on alcohol is.  We don’t need to spend all week looking forward to getting drunk, focus that energy towards something constructive that will help you vent all those frustrations.
A few things I do.

  • draw
  • write
  • watch media
  • exercise (though badly.)

What I do isn’t for everyone but all of the things I do I look forward too after a long day at work, and when I drink, I drink to socialise, not to forget my problems.

 

Hope you are well… I am miserable as always.

Rick.

Burn it!

So, this is a stream of conciseness; Fuck the world!

why you may be asking? well!!!!!!!!!

we are living in a world where self interest outweighs someones responsibility to those around them; a world where science is questioned like faith and faith is believed like science.

I recently made some changes that I hate, I removed myself from being able to put myself in situations that are unhealthy for me.

And honestly, I don’t see any point in trying.

We wake up, go to work make someone else rich go home and repeat. Where is there time for us? Where is there time for personal growth, to make your dreams a priority?

Truth is, there isn’t any, I don’t see how it is fair to have to slave away to pay for some politician to sit back and do very little. Though to be fair, the petty squabbling that involves being a politician must be exhausting.

In case you didn’t hear (if you didn’t then you either live in the USA or under a rock.) The east coast of Australia (my home) is burning. Our prime minister decided to pray for peoples safety rather then take action, the state leader blamed everyone else but herself for stripping the state fire service of much needed money to defend people and our native animals.
Our federal government also prevents a free market from really happening in Australia, though I personally believe that unions are important and will always support my union.
What I mean, in Australia to achieve funding you can do one of three things to get a business started… 1) fund the whole thing yourself 2)become a charity 3) rely on a government grant to get started.

Now imagine having to do this (create a theater company), but having 1) the government & 2) misguided creatives pushing their own agenda before you have the clearance to put on any kind of production. That’s if you decide to go the route of the grant application, if you decide to acquire funding from the business sector, you need to apply to be a charity, which means you are not able to employ any staff, but rely on volunteers to get a project made. This will in turn not allow people to get paid. Which means starting a company is near impossible. Plus if you decide to fund the project yourself, you can either hope you have peers around that are able to help assist you in raising funds, as living in Australia is so fucking expensive that you can hardly afford to eat little own fund your business out of your own pocket.

Now, I once had a director (if you can call her that, she seems more like a professor in victim hood.) tell a class of student actors this. “If you want a career in the arts, you need to make sure that you are networking, this means not eating to see a show; do what ever you can to ensure people know you.” So in short, tell terrible people you love them, and think they are the best, let yourself and your family starve to go and see a show that wont interest you just in the hope of being a face that some drug addict will remember.

I am furious if you didn’t notice, right now, I would love to see the whole world burn, sit back and fucking laugh as all this bullshit is burnt to the ground.

Fuck it, no one else cares anyway, why should I.

“Joker” Madness the only antidote to modern society.

Last night, I was privileged to see “Joker.” at the local Event Cinema. I must admit, I was treated to what I would see as a masterclass of cinema. When I was studying film it was always described as “Art in the purest sense.”
With this film we are treated to a side of the Batman universe we have never seen before; in the past a live action take of the worlds most famous villain would have been scuffed at by audiences.
Don’t assume this film hasn’t been met with a level of backlash as movie theatres in the USA had put on extra security during screenings to ensure that no unruly behaviour would take place… And to give my opinion I can see why considering what happened when the Dark Knight was released.

Before you read anymore, I will be writing spoilers in this so if you read further you have either seen the film, or am okay with having plot points spoilt.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

 

okay. So jumping straight into it; This movie revolves around a one Arthur Fleck, A man struggling to find his own peace in a Chaotic world; the film opens with Arthur laughing to himself, quickly transitioning to him getting ready to work as a clown for a small entertainment company. In this scene, we see two things: 1) Arthur is clearly not fearing very well, with the opening shot showing us he is battling demons. 2) He is struggling to make ends meat in a world that doesn’t care.
Arthur is working on the street, twirling a sign and dancing to try and get the attention of people talking bye; He is then attacked by a group of teenagers on the street who wanted nothing more then to ruin someones day.
This scene straight away told me where this movie would be heading, and this moment is illustrated later on in the film; Through out this production Arthur himself constantly makes statements like “Is it just me or is the world just getting crazier?” There is a moment shortly after the scene featuring the teenagers where he is talking with his social worker, this is the first time he really opens up about it all, asking the social worker to request the doctor to increase his medication. The Social worker requests to see Arthur’s notebook, reminding him that he had been asked before to bring it to their sessions. He pulls the notebook out of his bag and she opens the book, its this moment we see how much work Arthur has really put into trying to find mental stability. It is also shown in that moment that Arthur has had serious thoughts of his own death with the camera focusing on a line in the text “I hope my death is more memorable then my life.” It is this moment (and very early, about 15 minutes into this film) that we see how much this man in struggling to find his place in the world.

I don’t intend on telling the entire story of this film, but the points I want to express is how all of us are representative of the joker, each and everyone of us is trying to find our place in the chaos that is the modern world. Though from my perspective its the world it self that is insane Arthur only later matches the madness later in the film.
I felt watching this film that all of us, be it mentally ill or A-Typical still find the world to be a chaotic place. At times we are all overwhelmed, it does at times feel like the world is watching us, making fun of us. The biggest difference here is that the Joker himself lives out the phantasm we all keep deep in side, where we deny life to such impulses he lets it live and breath. Claiming that killing the people on the train (its a big turning point in this film.) was horrible but it didn’t bother him at all.

I feel this film does a fantastic job telling/showing us a side of humanity that we don’t see all that often. Where we are told and taught to focus on the good of the world, we will often deny the bad from existing until faced with it head on. In this film we are forced to pay attention, made to feel his pain and encouraged to feel the liberation he experiences when he murders the man who cost him his job, his career and his ability to support his disabled mother.
Do not go and see this film expecting a cheap laugh you will get from the avengers franchise, you will be emotionally effected by this film, and it will stay with you for days after seeing it.

Anyway, Hope you are doing well.

Rick

Trials and Tribulations: I’d rather be sailing.

You are special!

Days like today are the test we face for future challenges.
you are capable of so much more, so be kind to yourself; be generous with your time and love those around you.

These are words that are said to me on the daily… I must admit it, I like it. The idea that we can/should be kind to each other.
You see, much of my life is a struggle to survive, I fight to get roles in productions, I fight to put food on my table and I fight to keep people I love in my life (though I fail more often then not.) Nothing in life is easy, and this leads me to this realisation.

You can only control certain of life, you can control your weight, your work output the effort you put in for others; but you can not control what others do, you can’t control what they think, what they believe or what they think of you. To be really frank, it isn’t your business to try and control what people think; this is something that I have been struggling with in a bad way.
You see, this new diagnosis has me reflecting on so much of my life; the failing of my marriage, the way I see the children, the way I easily fall in love with people around around me, and why I crash and burn so badly when I am rejected.

A good example of this was when my ex broke up with me earlier this year; you see we hadn’t been together very long, two/three months at most; my emotional state had become so dependent on her being my girlfriend that the very thought of her leaving me would cause me massive amounts of anxiety, fear and emotional distress. I would be overbearing for her to deal with, I would send her text messages maybe 5-10 times a day while she was working saying things like “Hi babe, I hope you are having a nice day. Love you xoxo.” “I miss you”  and I would ask her to come over daily. This ultimately became way too much for her to handle, and to be fair I can see that now (if you read this, I am sorry; I didn’t realise I was doing that and I hope you can forgive me.) You see… Borderline personality disorder (which is what I have, not Bipolar which is what I had originally been diagnosed with.) is in some respect more extreme then many cases of bipolar, its a biological mental illness made worse through traumatic events in your life.
This leads to people with BPD to cling onto others in an extreme way, becoming emotionally invested intensely and eventually becoming disinterested. This diagnosis also explains the rapid nature that my mood will change and why I sit most of my time really depressed…

I do find that being mindful does help my mood, and help promote a positive state of being, I in fact had a long period where I stopped believing that I really am a bad guy (honestly haven’t felt like a villain in over four months now.) I find myself thinking things like ‘I can do this.’ & ‘I will be successful and my business will grow.’ I don’t find myself thinking that life is too hard (its still a thought that goes through my head but I don’t linger on it too much anymore.) What I do get more then ever was lethargy, I find that I just don’t have the energy to do anything;   I think I need a holiday… But then again, who doesn’t.
Despite the fact we may be feeling drained, the world doesn’t stop for us, we need to keep getting up, moving forward and try to do our best.

It doesn’t matter what condition we all live with, its our actions and heart that define us, so if you are like me and have a borderline personality disorder, bipolar, depression or any other mental illness, you are not alone, you are worth it, and there is help out there for you. It is worth the struggle, and things like therapy and medication (for most, medication can be ineffective to some people.) does help, but nothing is achieved over night, it takes years of therapy to learn the skills required to really take charge of your condition; I am not a therapist, I am hardly an actor (I say that as I am in a quite place at the moment…) but I do know struggles, and I do know how hard it is to get up each day and continue to perform.
I am one flawed person, and hardly an inspiration, but if I can do it I have full faith that you can too, and you will even out perform my efforts by standing tall.

Remember you HAVE a mental illness, you are NOT the mental illness.

keep faith in yourself, you are worth it.

Rick.

 

The other side of the coin: Our decisions, our actions.

I am sitting here, heavily reflecting on the world….

As you can imagine its often to my own detriment that I think at all… So this weekend, I saw my new Psychiatrist, so he is my third.
He advised me that I do in fact not have bipolar disorder, but a Borderline personality Disorder.
Not that they are too dissimilar, one is a chemical malfunction and the other is a learned social response… So in short I feel like I am an emotional retard; not that it makes that big of a difference to who I am… I have been like this since I was 14 years old, and at least now I can seek suitable treatment.
So this explains a lot about me… How quickly I fall into deep depression, how low I see my own self worth and why I latch on and hold onto people that are toxic for me.

I have met someone, and we agreed that we will take it super slow; this is to ensure that I can regulate my own emotional state correctly so I don’t burn out of this new relationship, and so she can deal with the things she has going on as well… Now, as per my regular mandate, I will not be naming or giving any info out of this new person in my life, what I will say is that it looks promising.
I should point out there is no way I am running into a new relationship as I am not sure I am really ready, the last one I was in still plays on me and I don’t want that to roll over to this one.

So slow and steady will win this race, and I am excited to see and learn more about my own cues and new methods on how to control them.

as for you, well… I can’t speak to your own problems, nor would I pretend too; what I can say is that we all face hard times in life, we all carry a demon on our shoulders; we all feel that life is too hard at times. What we can do and decide is how we respond to said situation, when we are feeling blue in bed we are faced with a choice, do we stay home, or do we get up and face the world.
When your manager is yelling at you, do you cower, fight back or take it on board. These are choices we can make, yes our instinct will influence the way we lean, but we can ultimately make that final decision.

I say lets not be a slave to our own subconscious, lets own our actions and be better for it.

you be safe,

Rick.

Racing, Chasing and always lost for words

Howdy, how are we doing today?

Me? I am having my daily dose of anxiety; this has me asking the question “What do we suffer from anxiety?”

well…. Despite it being a neurological condition, it is often caused by things that we feel are out of our control.
Which does aptly describe why people who suffer from anxiety strive to achieve order in their daily lives; for me however what triggered it was a dream I had last night, I’ve been having this reoccurring dream where people I love are having sexual encounters with people outside of our relationship (keep in mind, I am not in a relationship and anyone who I would have felt that way about is long gone.)

This does cause an ache in my heart, one that I really have no idea how to remedy. I am fully aware that life doesn’t stop for the needs of one person, and my anxiety and nightmares are an irrational facet of my psyche.
What I do know is that I have people in my life that genuinely mean me well, I have amazing children that love and adore me (even my oldest son who loves to tell me otherwise. lol)

I do need to clear something up however, if you remember my (now deleted.) fathers day post, where I said that my ex and I had a disagreement resulting in me not seeing the children… This wasn’t exactly true, truth is; it was my off weekend to see the kids, my ex tried to push for me to take them for the fathers day weekend, I declined for multiple reasons; all of which where terrible… So I wanted to make that clear that she did in fact try, as she has someone around her that constantly points out the negative things I write about her, so lets make this clear, she is an amazing mother, and I want her to find happiness; happiness that I could never bring her…

back to anxiety, we live in a chaotic world, and by nature things only get faster; we need to find the time for us to be us, to slow down and take note of all the good things you have achieved in your life. This can be done multiple ways, either by meditation, reading a book, pursuing a passion, going for a get away anything. We need to take time for us, as life passes by so fast, before you know it we will be old and our opportunities to be happy and live fulfilled lives will have passed.

So if you are reading this, tell someone the thing you have wanted to tell them for a long time; kiss the person you want to kiss, take that job you always wanted, write that book, sing that song we are not here for a long time so just do it.

Now is your chance to be better, do more and most of all to grow.

I hope you are doing good.

Take care

Rick.

Floating in a tin can

Good Morning,

This last week has had me thinking a lot. I’ve been emotionally in a really good place, and under an immense amount of stress; be financially, my work load is massive and I haven’t really been able to work out. At the moment I am working 6am-6pm, yesterday however I finished at 7pm; I am left thinking to myself, am I really healing mentally, or is my stability just chemically driven…
I find myself expecting myself to crash almost all the time, and when I feel myself starting to slip, rather then the common despair I have been met with an emptiness, almost like I am in a void; this leads me to think and question what is going to come, it was said to me that being in that emotional state is fairly common, and others sit there quite frequently, apparently is a healthy place to be in; your emotional state is then dictated to intellectually rather then reactionary, and its a great place to work from.

For me it’s uncomfortable, I have (at least not in my adult life.) never sat in a neutral state, so I am trying to treat it like I am floating on water, not really going anywhere but going with the tide.

I have a question for you;

When you are sitting in that state of mind, what do you do to fill in that space? I am genuinely curious, as I am a little clueless.

 

only a short one today, I don’t really know what to talk about.

Rick.