The Winter Warm Project

Whats this, a second post in one day?

You bet ya!

20190416_014914514_iOS

The Winter Warm Project! #WinterWarmProject

okay, so in my previous post today I mentioned a project I have taken part in helping bring to fruition. This project focuses on bringing warmth to those who go without.

Based in Sydney Australia, we are aiming to hand make 50 scarves to be distributed through the “Sydney Homeless Connect annual event”  on Tuesday 2nd of July 2019.

on the weekend, my dear friend Kristine launched her fund raising website on https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/winter-warm-project#/ her aim is to raise over $2500 AUD to help with cost of materials (which she estimates will be somewhere around the cost of $500 AUD.
The rest of the money raised will be given straight to “Sydney Homeless Connect.” To assist them in future endeavours.

So far Kristine has been making these scarves (completed four so far.) at her own expense and is in need of assistance, If you can’t donate financially, please head over to the Winter Warm Project Facebook page (the group matches the image I have placed here.

The reason why I have put this here is because I know you all are loving kind hearted people, that really just want the best for the community…
Even if you don’t live in Sydney please consider helping in some way, be it through the fundraiser, contacting her via the facebook group, sending scarves, materials or just by sharing this post and the campaign…

We are all apart of this global community and it’s up to us to help make it better; and this starts with one city at a time.

so to reiterate

http://www.winterwarmproject.blog
Facebook – Winter Warm Project – https://m.facebook.com/Winter-Warm-Project-599934677145686/
indiegogo – https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/winter-warm-project#/

 

I really do love your support, and I hope that together we are able to help others in need.

Thank you

Kristine, Rick and Blue Harbour Productions.

 

Advertisements

positive thinking… failed….

Hey everyone,

I had a couple of days off….

honestly I had so much on that I couldn’t focus; So lets recap the last couple of days…

Friday – Friday started like a dream, I woke up next to the woman of my dreams; honestly I couldn’t think of a better way to start the day. I mean, who wouldn’t want to wake up and see beauty?
we decided we where going to just be together for a little while before we took off to start the day; this meant that I got some much needed RNR and it put my in a fantastic place to start the day… God do I love that woman, she is truly fantastic…
When I got to work my day seemed to be one drama after another, warehouse sending out the wrong stock, customers misinterpreting invoices and other staff selling project material I had gathered for a huge job.
Around 11:30 (about 4 days since I had the call back.) I had heard nothing, at this point I knew that I didn’t get the commercial, so I sent my agent an email asking for some feedback, because we obviously did pretty well to get that far… Approximately five minutes after sending that email, I get a reply… “You are on STRONG hold please don’t accept other work.”  I was gobsmacked I replied “I guess that’s good feedback then.” I am not sure my attempt of humour was seen as funny…
I didn’t hear anything else about that, I figured by this evening I would have an answer as to whether I had been booked or not. I carried on my day, a smile appeared on my face (the boys in the office pointed it out, I had no idea.) I had been thinking of her again. around 4:30 I got a phone call from my agent, telling me I had been confirmed for the commercial… I am still not about to disclose what it is for sadly, but when its released Ill supply a link for your viewing pleasure.
So thus begun the weekend…

Saturday – My beautiful lady had gone away with her family, they where going to have a smashing weekend. The thought of her being happy brought a tear to my eye; actually on that, I was sent a video of her with her bro… Oh man my phone got so wholesome.
I was going out of my mind missing her, lucky for me I had one of the cast members from the play coming over to work on our songs.
After that (would have been late afternoon.) I had my best friend come over, we worked on her fundraiser… Ill talk more about that at the end.

Sunday – I was stuck alone all day, lost in my thoughts… Often ends up being a negative thing for me to do, and this time was no exception. I somehow managed to work myself into a bad place, So I tried to occupy myself… ended up going to sleep early trying to end the day…

Monday – it fared no better to be honest… you see…. On Sunday I was having massive anxiety attacks and sometimes I leaves me feeling drained and terrible the following day…
So I went to my wardrobe session feeling like I had been hit by a truck; I did the fitting, had some fun… By the time I got home I was in a terrible state, I was tired, sad and full of anxiety… I honestly believed that somehow I had destroyed all the hope of happiness I have in this world…
I crashed at around 5pm, woke up at 7pm and felt much better, However I was still alone and still meh…

So today rolls around, I am feeling really lethargic… I am going to push my way through the day, and keep my mind active, as I get to see my lady again tomorrow evening…

I know that I have good in my life now, I also know that I love whats happening for me; so why am I still sad?

the answer is one too long for this, and possibly one that I lack the ability to answer.

But for today, this is my post…. yes a short one.

Talk soon.

 

Rick.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey hey,

how are you doing, doing okay?

… me?

well… I am swell thank you.

so tell me whats been happening for you?

aha,
aha,

no! Surly that didn’t happen.

oh wow, so what’s going to happen now?

aha,
aha,

cool! Well that’s really positive for you, that warms my heart to hear.

I know, but don’t think about that, just focus on now and be you; it will all work out.

just keep faith in yourself okay? You deserve to be happy.

end…

now I considered just leaving today’s entry like this, but I have a 900+ word count to fill… so lets get filling.

Today is an interesting one to say the least, I woke up dreading the world… I just wanted to cocoon myself and stay in bed.
If it wasn’t for my need to urinate I would probably still be in bed, but as we all know we live in a machine, and the convayer belt that starts our day took me from bed to bathroom, shower (eww, we don’t need that image el gordo.) to the bus and now I am at work writing this entry rather then doing my job……..

have you ever sat on the bus on your daily commute and just looked out the window imagining dragons taring up the town; no? no, me neither…..

people’s faces in the morning fascinate me, I find that public transport brings out the most restrained rawness of people, for example; when was the last time you where excited to do your daily job? I mean we can love our work, but who gets excited to go to work? even when I am working theatrically I have days where the thought of going gets me down, but once I arrive I am good to go and often end up having a blast.

so people on public transport, its like the collective subconscious has struck us all at once. We are riding, on our trip in and none of us looks happy… except that one person (mostly me.) who has headphones on, mouths the song they are listening too dancing their silent disco. God we hate that person don’t we? Why the hell should they be having a good time when we are all sitting there wishing for the day to end.

Then on the same bus we have the stressed mother, the same person that just had to wheel a double pram on and somehow contain the two older children from running around whilst keeping the pram steady. Everyone watches the struggle, we all feel for this person but given our current state of mind we just want this display of life to be taken away. occasionally our distaste for life leads us to mumble hurtful things like “God, if they were my kids, this wouldn’t be an issue.”
When the reality is that, it would be; it always is how far can you stretch yourself before you are stretched too far… Well in this occasion four children will do that.

Now you have gotten off the bus, walking to the train; around you is a collection of different people all doing the same thing, some display more urgency then others; ever notice, there is always a man in business attire with a backpack on running to get the train? Man does he go hard, his morning marathon to get to work on time; the sweet pouring off him as he runs to get his gold. So I arrive to the platform taking my time (as I am sure you do too, because going to work fucking sucks…) our marathon runner is still there waiting for the same train… with that I fail to wonder if his running eased his anxieties instead I think “what a clown…” again my distaste for the morning routine has me incredibly self serving.

so we arrive at work, it’s time to put on the mask… no we aren’t playing dress up’s (most of us at least.) We walk in, and say our good mornings to everyone (because we don’t want to cause any drama… even though Kevin has probably used the last of the milk you bought yesterday and isn’t replacing it. We sit down and open our emails and that’s when we “work” just like I am now…. yes working hard, yep God someone nominate me for employee of the month, but we all know Julie is going to get it again… What’s that, the fifth time this year? lets make up stories as to why she get it, it couldn’t be that she actually does her job and performs above expectations… no can’t be, so lets make up some story.

anyway… this is just me filling in a day where I really had nothing to say… But I also feel this paints a pretty clear description of what we all go through on a daily basis, how our daily routines makes us somewhat apathetic to the world around us, which blinds us from other’s and their needs.
As hard as it appears please do your best to get others in, everyone is going through the same thing so a little bit of love can help change that routine for everyone.

so ill leave this here… only just shy of my 900 word count average.

Enjoy your day, be safe love each other and I hope to see you tomorrow… oh look over 900.

Rick.

Are we really that bad?

 

Recently I have been thinking about belief systems, and the difficulties one faces when those belief systems are challenged.
Now I have developed quite a reputation recently of writing things that really start strong and end with that marvel move ending (shallow and inept)

okay, so those of you that are still with me after that marvel comment lets continue on shall we?

okay, so belief systems… what exactly does that mean?

Capture.PNG

I guess that’s the easiest way to describe it, however Today I want to discuss self imposed beliefs; the ones that we carry with us, that we intrinsically believe without any real rhyme or reason…. Well reasons that we could say verbally that don’t come across as a foolish way of thinking.

For example, for me; I have held this belief with me that I am in fact a bad person… I often think/feel that regardless of my actions or the amount I try and help others that I can’t erase my badness and I always end up feeling like I am doing others wrong constantly.

Now, I did a charity fundraiser with Beyond blue a while ago and helped raise some much needed money for life line. So this included doing m.c work at a gala dinner, tell some jokes, singing a few numbers just standard entertainment stuff…
Now even though I did that and helped raise over $150k in donations I went home that night and cried.
Why was I crying I have no idea, I just was… I still felt that I was trying to absolve myself from some past deed that I hadn’t ever done.

So why do I believe that I am a bad person? To be honest I can’t give you a reason, but for some reason I have always believed this…

I’ve gone through some huge changes over the past 12 months, and I have been confronted with this belief system time and time again…
despite the fact that all of my relationships post divorce have been massively positive, and those around me seem to genuinely care about my well being.  Even old friends I have managed to reconnect too have expressed genuine interest and concern.

so why do I feel so bad?

depression will do it, however I think there is more to it then that. You ever get told by someone that you are no good at something? be it a sport, playing an instrument or even something as expressionist as dancing to the music playing.

Imagine how you felt when you where told constantly that you where bad at the thing, did you not want to quit after a while? I imagine that’s what I felt, through out my marriage and even now I am constantly told I am a horrible person, father, liar, cheat and a thief almost on a daily basis…
Does that make it true?
Absolutely not, and it’s become abundantly clear that since that time that all the negative things that was said to me was more of a reflection of a single person then any of the actions I may or may not have done… For example, I never committed an adulterous act thought I was and still am punished for something I never did. I guess being a liar, well I am guilty of that, but out of self preservation rather then any malicious act. Those who know this particular person (whom I won’t name.) has a tendency to fly off on a tangent, and become irate over the smallest possible detail. So something as little as me buying a coke to drink on my way home from work would become a one sided screaming match about how I waste funds.
as for being a horrible person, I still believe I am… At least a little bit, though there is no proof that I am, nor are my actions in anyway of any intention to hurt.

if you are asking why would you still feel bad if you aren’t really a bad guy, then you are hitting the nail on the head…

So my belief that I am a bad guy is a self ingrained belief that has been drilled into my subconscious over a long period of time. However recently I have had that challenged by the comments of others, and love that I receive on a daily basis….

So I had to come to terms that all the things I have believed about myself as in fact wrong, and this wasn’t easy. I imagine that this is a similar battle that people who’s belief systems involve religion or an ideology, even more so if all your social circles are involved in reinforcing that belief system.
having that challenged is a painful thing to accept, and being open to the change that something is often polarising thing to go through; I imagine that an apt description would be something along the lines of a Vegan being convinced that the ingestion of meat isn’t a negative thing to do, and that in fact it can be positive thing to do (now please don’t mistake this example as me aligning to any political or social stance.) As you can imagine coming to that realisation would be a hard thing to deal with for that person, but them being open to it means their understanding of themselves and the world around them has become that much greater.

For me it was confronting these demons that served to be the greatest battle I had faced… These days I don’t see myself as the Villain, nor do I see myself as a hero, I am very much the flawed person that many of us are. I happen to know that we all carry with us a small about of embedded guilt that is completely unnecessary, and that is okay; but please in time learn to accept that part of yourself and challenge yourself to push to do more, to be better and you will see from the people around you that you aren’t a negative person, you are just you; and there is nothing wrong with that.

please be safe, love each other and I hope that this talks to you in some small way.

also, I want to take a moment to say hello to the new readers that have found there way here after a really kind recommendation that came my way yesterday. I hope that my work doesn’t come across as whinny, my goal is to give a voice to those who wouldn’t otherwise know how to reach out, I hope that for those few people they see this feel like they are not alone…

 

Thank you.

Rick.

The Cure For Depression… Not “ClickBait”

 

Depression…. Well, this seems to be the only thing I write about these days.

But in all seriousness, its a major issue; in my life and in the life of most people living in this rat race we call society.
The constant pressure, fast movement and constantly trying to achieve the next level success does begin to take its toll. For some the toll is a heavier burden to carry then others (at least outwardly.) I say this as for me I feel like the world is so heavy that I can’t push that boulder up that mountain anymore, but I have been told by others that I don’t seem to sit back, I seem to keep plodding along.
My best/oldest friend recently had a baby (and a very beautiful baby to say the least <3) We spoke on the phone last week, and he told me that he was having a hard time adjusting to the new routine, and his new role is taking it’s emotional toll on him; he made a comment something along the lines of “Mate, I don’t know how you do it; you have so much on your plate and you don’t seem to let that get to you. I think you are amazing, I wish I could handle it like you.” now this really threw me, as I see myself as a constant mess, a constant mess with major responsibilities; but a mess non the less…

This got me thinking about life… but really what doesn’t. At the moment I am actually feeling really good, I am getting on top of my finances, I am in love and I my children are amazing… Really life for me is getting really good.

But that isn’t to say I don’t still feel the effects of depression, I woke up this morning and I knew instantly that I was going to have a bad day… Then I rolled over and she was laying next to me, that feeling of empty space was quickly filled with her love and compassion.
This again lead me to thinking about depression and was pondering how we can make improvements to our daily lives to generate that life long difference.
Then I read a post from @ilonapulianauskaite on this platform (please check out her work, she does a good job, better then me at least.) about her take on depression, the process she went too to discover what worked and didn’t work for her.

So, we are 400 words plus in this post and I am yet to get too my point.

well…

Depression isn’t one of those things that can be solved through the use of a magic pill, it takes hard work, sometimes I feels like the work will never end; that no matter what we do we will still feel bad….
Now forgive me for saying this, but it isn’t about instantly feeling better, its about building the foundations to make your life better; and by referencing a previous most I wrote, there are three aspects that we need to work on, our professional life, personal life and social life. It takes all three working in harmony to help.
Professional life – need to feel like you are achieving something
Personal life – you need supportive loved ones around you (doesn’t have to be blood related, who ever you consider family.)
Social life – This is the hardest one to comprehend, this isn’t just your friends, this is the activities that help you alleviate stress that involves other people, doesn’t have to be in person online works too…

There is no direct cure for depression, what we can influence is how you deal with it…. You first need to accept that you need to work, work on yourself and find the things that help make you happy, even if its a fleeting moment of happiness do it. Medications do help, but they can’t do all the work alone, I found that regular sessions with my Psychologist help; not from a answers perspective, but it gives you the opportunity to intellectualise your thoughts, and verbally put them together… At least for me I often find that I am looking to deep into an issue that would otherwise be less then urgent.
You need to monitor your own thinking, acknowledge your negative thoughts and let them go, try not to dwell on them.

Now this sounds like a simple thing to do, but really it’s exhausting work; but its work that is completely necessary to see yourself to healthy thinking.
The old saying of “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” and neither is strong mental health, as I said before we need to build that foundation first before we can expect the roof to stay up.
So start small, each little positive thing you do will guide you to a better place.
sorting out your depression is not a sprint, it’s a hike and an exhausting one at that.
your first step is talking to your GP, and seeing what they recommend and go from there.

Don’t ever give up, believe me its worth the fight, and it will seem impossible, but it does get easier, you need to work at it everyday, but it does get easier.

Please be safe.

Rick.

 

 

The New Beginnings or Just Rewards?

Howdy everyone.

I trust/ hope that you have had or are having an amazing weekend!

Rick… Please tell us a sob story? pretty pretty please?

hahahaha… you know me too well readers. But today, I have to decline; today I am going to talk to you all about hope, and how I have found things seem to turn out okay.

Okay, where to begin… Well; anyone who has been reading this blog for a while will know that I tend to have the worst luck on Earth.
From my being exploited by a previous job, to the terrible luck I have always had in love, and to my regular injuries playing sport, my inability to book acting work and my mental state constantly constantly brings me down…

Through all of that I have never been in a position where I can just sit back and let it all take over me; As much as I want too, as much as the weight of the world on my shoulders is so heavy I can hardly move, I still get up and I keep moving.

That’s not to shame people who can’t mind you, I completely understand how the stress of money/lack there of, relationship breakdowns and the betrayal of close people around you can make you feel the world is against you.

Last week was a really hard week for me personally. My anxiety had hit its peak, I hadn’t been able to talk to my kids (long story, longer then i’ll get into.) work was slow and deals would constantly fall through; the anxiety would lead to my mind playing terrible tricks on me and make me believe things that aren’t true. In that time I had two TVC auditions, the first time with one casting director, and the 5th time with the other one. So That was good, but to be able to perform whilst feeling like the world is ending it damn near impossible.
But I pushed through, and to my surprise I got a call back for the second one, and I tell you what… Even if I don’t book this job, I had a lot of fun doing it. The money I could really use as I am floating over a hole. but I digress…

What is it that drives me to just keep moving?

Hope!

I hope everyday that today will be a better day. Maybe I’ll close that deal, maybe I’ll land that role. Maybe the funding for my film will come through. I push through all my pain to be better, I often find myself going days with no food, but at least I have somewhere to live.
I had truly given up on finding love, I believed that because I refuse to settle again that I would be always alone for ever.

Without hope for a better life I would still be in a loveless marriage, pretending that it’s all good going through the daily meaninglessness that is a depressed life. The only positive would be the kids… Who would grow up with a father that is completely despondent stepping closer and closer to suicide.

However In order to force this change in a positive direction I had to hope; hope that a leap of faith would see me to become the best me possible. Although that’s not to say that the past 12 months hasn’t been hard. It’s been some of the hardest times I have ever been through, but it take’s about 12 months to go through major life changes before life starts to settle down and become good, I feel I may be a little ahead of that. My marriage ended in June 2018, and its April now; life is certainly taking an upward climb and is only getting better and better. I am madly in love for the first time is well… longer then I can remember.
My children seem so happy to be at my place now, I give them space and let them just be them, which seems to have been good so far. I am also happy with my career at the moment.

But all of this was possible because I never gave up hope, and I continue to hope for more.
I was talking with my brother about success and how we would define success… I in no way consider myself successful, however there would be others that have tried to work in this industry and been far less successful. But as I am always looking towards to future and looking at how much more I would like to achieve that it’s near impossible to think that I am successful. However when I look at 2013 Rick, depressed hating life, retail manager; I can say that I am financially better off then I was, my personal life is amazing now. so by those definitions I am massively successful.

So to end today’s post, if you spend your life wishing for a change; simply wishing will not get you where you want to be, you need to take action… It doesn’t need to be a massive, if you want to be a writer – Write a story. Want to earn more money? invest in further education…
The point is, you need Hope to drive you, and drive you towards a future that you want.
For me my want is to entertain people, but I also really care about others, so for me being able to tell stories that move people, or connect to them is and was the best thing for me to focus on.

Take your dreams and take a step everyday, it may not seem like much but in a year you will always be in a better place then you where previously.

Anyway, Thank you for your attention today.

Rick.

 

 

Feeling better????

575858528.709487

Source: ME!

Good afternoon,

so today… if you read yesterdays post, I feel okay…

That’s not to say I feel good mind you, however the constant shift in emotion (from extreme high, to extreme low.) has stopped, now I just feel bruised.

So this week has been a busy one for me, I had full work Monday (normal boring day, but my amazing lady stayed over.) Audition on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday normal work, then my rehearsals for the show & finally today I had another Audition and back to the day job.

To summarise this week has been good, way too good… from a mental perspective, I flew too close to the sun, and like Icarus my wings caught fire and came crashing down. At my worst this week, I had convinced myself that I had actively destroyed any chance of happiness. I felt isolated, and this was causing me a level of anxiety that prevented me from being able to form coherent sentences.
Talk about Anxiety, yesterday (Thursday) when I received the notification of my audition; I walked into my managers office, asked him if I could talk to him… I couldn’t muster the words So I handed him my phone so he could see the request… I don’t know why, but I felt like a child fessing up to their parents that they stole stickers from Coles (a supermarket in Australia.) scared that they would hate the child.
So there I was in my managers office, panicking as he is reading this email… I was expecting him to lift his head and say something along the lines of “Now, if you do this don’t come back.” I was ready to hear it, I expected it. so when he lifted his head and opened his mouth he begun to ruin my life “Okay, take a half day tomorrow.” the words that came out, the life damaging sentence I had convinced myself of didn’t exist. I knew I was about to lose my job, I was preparing to venture into a job agency and ask them for work at the chicken shop, but the compassion and acceptance was so alien to me that I didn’t really know how to take it.

So I got back to work… my anxiety decided that rather then freak me out, it was going to send me into a hyper manic state. I was full of life, happy playing, closing deals… Then around four pm the Darkness set back in, I came down and where I have a Ying I had a Yang.
I crashed so hard that it felt like my first love had told me I was too ugly to love, and decided to make up stories about my genitalia and tell all the girls at school about it all, which lead to me developing some serious body issues, that only recently I have overcome (post divorce.)
The idea that blob like myself can be with a women who isn’t big like me always seemed to be that pot of gold at the top of the bean stalk, inside the giant castle guarded by the royal rottweiler.
So I would always meet young women, fall for them, and never tell them and just friend zone myself…
This time around, however I took a chance; refused to sit back and watch what could potentially by my soul mate pass by.
So I told her and I had feelings for her, and the response was nothing I expected, she looked into my eyes, deep into my soul and said “I have had a crush on you since the moment we started talking.”

So where was I going with this?

oh… yes, So that cruel person in high School, the first person I ever loved showed me the cruel nature of teenagers, and it scared me in a way that I never realised. I carried a terrible body image about myself with me for nearly 15 years.
After my divorce I equivocally had that believe crushed, so my self image is feeling good.

God the tangent today…

So my discover, you can’t ever tell what someone is thinking about you; you can however shut off possibilities and opportunities. You also can’t stop your heart from feeling a certain way, you can convince myself otherwise but it is never a healthy thing to do or to maintain; and it always ends to the detriment of the person you are trying to protect, when simply being open and honest would have prevented that total mess.

I am in a good positive place in my life, its just funny how I crash badly to the extreme I experience highs.

I am not really sure where I have gone with this…. So i’ll just leave this here…

Hope you had a nice week, and I hope that my journey continues to be a source of inspiration, I truly hope that those of you that go through this and feel isolated and believe that no one will listen… Trust me I am listening, I maintain this blog for you; just know I go through this just like you do. you are not alone.

 

Thank you

Rick.

Mental dancing.

 

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to suffer from a mental illness? Bipolar, anxiety or even borderline personality disorder?

Well… wonder no more.

Today I am going to tell you all about the mental gymnastics that goes through my head on a daily basis.

Now, before I begin I have bipolar disorder type 2. This means that I don’t necessarily reach a state of higher manic, when I do reach that middle group (hyper mania) it is always followed by a higher depressive episode.

My mood can shift ass quickly as a day, where sleep is the on/off switch to a positive mindset, sometimes it can shift quicker, kind of like a when your light globe browns out then comes back on. That will happen to me too, and I can go from laughing and telling stories to completely retreating into myself.

Now, if you had the thought “oh this must be the reverse of the euphoria he has been going through recently.” If you did think that, then Ding ding ding ding you are a clever cookie.

This morning I woke up and the first thought that greeted me wasn’t me normal “fucking morning!!!” Mantra… no!

This was the parrot on my shoulder and it’s first words to me today was “you are going to ruin this!”

Is that really fair? Why does my subconscious want me to be in pain?

It is a sense of tall poppy? And I too happy and with my personal progress that it’s time to take all my progress back and live with my insecurities again?

If that’s the case then Fuck you brain, go back to bed!

There is so many negative things in my life that are starting to turn into positives, I now have amazing friends, a good couple of jobs, I am working in a production of “Lend me a tenor.” and recording a voice over for some students; I wrong no body, I am kind, full of love and all I want is the best for the people around me and most of all I am in the beginning stages of the best relationship with the best person I have ever had the pleasure of looking in the eyes and expressing my love too. So do I deserve you (brain) to tell me horrible things? absolutely not! 
Maybe if I was being nefarious and only looked towards the next goal then maybe. But that isn’t me, I give everything I have and for once I have people around me that want me to prosper; so why should I feel guilty about that?

So what’s it like to have bipolar? it’s an easy 10/10 for enjoyment, 10/10 for forcing negative thoughts to the front of my mind, and 10/10 for being incorrect…

Funny enough, writing this has given me some clarity, however it does pin point that I need to be better…. I can’t rest on my laurels, my biggest fear is clearly me ruining this amazing partnership I am developing with my special someone.

oh god, I ranted so bad… Well where does one go from here?

no idea… So I’ll this one here.

Rick.

Completely lost for words…

 

FYI, I love these images, I am in no way pushing a religious agenda.

So, yesterday I didn’t post a blog.

Quite a lot happened for me yesterday, I had an audition for a TVC (TV commercial.) so this begins the long wait for a non phone call…

So please Rick, please fill your word count by telling us a story with no meaning…

happy to oblige!!!

okay, so yesterday was payday… normally a time of joy for people, for me in a realisation of the daily stresses of life I broke out in a massive Anxiety attack. How does one pay for rent, child support (yes I pay it every pay and I am always on time with it…) and the connection fees for my new place on minimum wage? Simple… you don’t. After my commitments, I am left with nothing.
So I am on the train heading to the city, with all of this running through my head the only thing I really had going for me was that I wasn’t running late. So that’s a positive; when I left in the morning it was really lovely and sunny, by the time I got to the city it was pouring with rain… only twenty minutes had passed.

For an uncharacteristic change I thought I should bring my umbrella (those who know me knows very well that I always forget that, and will just walk in it succumbing to the wet wash of my current reality.)

So as I walk to the casting agency who I was auditioning with I turned on the assisted hearing feature of my phone, which sends environmental sounds through your headphones, much in the same way a hearing aid does. In this walk I was listening to the hustle and bustle of the people running around around.

During this time I had a realisation, I remembered that I was meeting my beautiful Girlfriend for lunch (As she had the day off.) From that moment, the sound of the people around me disappeared, the beeping cars ceased to exist; all there was, was the pitta patter of the rain coming through my headphones and her radiant smile at the forefront of my mind.
the fifteen minute walk from the bus to the casting agency passed by in what appeared to me as five minutes. Truth be told I was in my happy place at the time and overshot my destination by around two blocks or so.

So I arrive at the Audition, it went well… However this industry is like a lottery, you just have to keep heading in, being the best of you and one day it will happen for you.

The trip back to townhall was a long one, this poor old bugger was lonely and despritly needed someone to talk too… Although I could hardly hear a word he was saying I really did make an attempt to be as responsive to him as possible. He told me the story of him losing his licence, and out of protest he is only catching the bus from now on, It has something to do with him getting run into by another driver and he was found to be at fault… I think, the ramblings were hard to get through.
When we got off the bus at Bondi Junction he grabbed me and asked for a hug… How could I say no to the lonely old man with a scent of old rum about him?
So I hugged him, he held me like an old family member he hadn’t seen in years; it really stayed with me.
I got to town hall station, and was standing by the old queen Victoria statue  – this is where time slowed down… there was a space of around two and a half minutes where I was alone. I was listening to some music at this point, some classical music “Marika Takeuchi” is the artist, her album Rain Stories was the sound track to whilst I wait for what felt like an eternity… So two and a half minutes there is a break in the rain and the sun appears… I feel this embrace as two arms wrap around and embrace me, the same arms take my earphones out and whispers “Hello Handsome.” this voice gave me goose bumps, and as I turned around to tell the strange man to give back my wallet and headphones, she appears. All the negative events of my morning (all mental junk.) vanished and I was overwhelmed with that sense of joy normally reserved for children waiting for that ice cream truck to stop.

The rest of my day seemed to pass by like a dream.

This morning she dropped me off at work, closing that door was like ripping off a band aid from my leg. I really wasn’t looking forward to saying goodbye, and I have found myself sitting by my phone for two reasons today. One for a call back for that job and the other for her to message me….

I know which one I want more hahaha.

So this is more of an uplifting post then my normal trend of horribleness.

I hope you are all feeling good, and doing amazing things.

As always I care about you all.

Rick.

Monday… Am I motivated?

 

Good day to you, whether it be Monday or Sunday night for you I wanted to ask a question.

When we set out on the journey of life, searching for our own personal truth do we even know what it is we are looking for?

I believe this requires a yes and no.

When we first start our journey we are young, naive and ready to tackle the world… At least we think we are, I remember being 17 and believing that I would be a raging success…. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that regardless of what it was I would be successful.

Well… I am 31 now and do I know what I am doing with myself? I believe so, I decided to chase my acting career full time, I still work full time too (just to pay bills.) and I am at the beginning of a wonderful relationship.

I guess that looking at me from a different perspective would look like I really know whats going on and am working on something amazing….
It’s hard for me to agree, as success is a subjective to the individual so where I see my failings, someone else will see my successes.

For me what am I looking for? It isn’t material wealth; so if it isn’t material wealth, then what could it be? Why doesn’t the idea of driving a Ferrari excite me? Well… It’s does, but I have no interest in owning one. So what is it that drives each and everyone of us to get out of bed everyday?

Happiness….

what is it in this life that makes us happy? I don’t believe this can be answered in a simple sentence, however I do believe that it can be answered though expression.
There are several aspects in life we need to work out before we can proclaim to be happy, alignment is important to make this happen; WORK, FAMILY and RELATIONSHIPS.

WORK: For me work is one of the most important things to align, we need to be sure that what ever we end up doing, we are happy doing; considering these aspects are important. What is it about your chosen career that drives you to get up everyday? Now in case you don’t know, I have two jobs. I work as an actor (Dah, I’ve said this thousands of times.)  I also work as an account manager for an Air Conditioning company. So when evaluating this, what drives me to go to work everyday?
I love that my career gives people a chance to connect, gives people a chance to talk, debate and experience something totally new. I also love how it gives people an opportunity to forget about their day, distract them from hard times, and dream of something new… My other job I see as an outlet to make that happen, I couldn’t care less about air conditioning… But what I do care about is helping these trades people feed their families and establishing friendships; truth be told however this job is simply an outlet for me to feed my family in between other work.

FAMILY: Family is paramount, above all things your family is the thing we can’t shift, and therefor we can’t ever let them down, which is the reason why Work is so damn important. That’s not to say that “Family” has to be a Wife/Husband and children, it can be a group of friends, animals anything that you consider an integral part of your life.
For me family is my children, they are the reason I fight so damn hard against my mental state, go to a job everyday that I really don’t care about and why I strive to me more then I am. At least for me Family is the ultimate goal!

Relationships: This is what supports you, your relationships with others will mean the growth or demise of your business/affairs. It is your relationships that will influence both family and work; I will admit my relationship with the arts community in Sydney has been shunted pretty badly, and I am going through the process of rebuilding some relationships to hopefully move to that next place in my career…
from a family perspective my relationship with my children is fantastic, I wish I was a better role model for them and I work towards that… I am so very lucky mind you, relationship wise, I have some amazing people in my life, some I love very dearly one who I am falling in love with and those who transcend love all together.

So at Thirty one, so I know what I am looking for?

yes… Happiness…

Is that achievable? If the past weekend has anything to say about it, I feel that it’s an ABSOLUTE YES!

Have I achieved my ultimate goals yet? No, I have achieved a lot, but I have more work to do.
I need ensure that regardless of what happens that I remember that I am loved, in life I will succeed and I will fail and I will regardless of what happens my relationships will be the thing that drives me through.

I also know full well that a certain someone will read this   😛

anyway I have rambled enough for today, I hope that you all have an amazing day; as always please don’t hesitate to comment if you have more to add, and I am excited to talk to you all again soon.

Rick.