Feeling better????

Source: ME!

Good afternoon,

so today… if you read yesterdays post, I feel okay…

That’s not to say I feel good mind you, however the constant shift in emotion (from extreme high, to extreme low.) has stopped, now I just feel bruised.

So this week has been a busy one for me, I had full work Monday (normal boring day, but my amazing lady stayed over.) Audition on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday normal work, then my rehearsals for the show & finally today I had another Audition and back to the day job.

To summarise this week has been good, way too good… from a mental perspective, I flew too close to the sun, and like Icarus my wings caught fire and came crashing down. At my worst this week, I had convinced myself that I had actively destroyed any chance of happiness. I felt isolated, and this was causing me a level of anxiety that prevented me from being able to form coherent sentences.
Talk about Anxiety, yesterday (Thursday) when I received the notification of my audition; I walked into my managers office, asked him if I could talk to him… I couldn’t muster the words So I handed him my phone so he could see the request… I don’t know why, but I felt like a child fessing up to their parents that they stole stickers from Coles (a supermarket in Australia.) scared that they would hate the child.
So there I was in my managers office, panicking as he is reading this email… I was expecting him to lift his head and say something along the lines of “Now, if you do this don’t come back.” I was ready to hear it, I expected it. so when he lifted his head and opened his mouth he begun to ruin my life “Okay, take a half day tomorrow.” the words that came out, the life damaging sentence I had convinced myself of didn’t exist. I knew I was about to lose my job, I was preparing to venture into a job agency and ask them for work at the chicken shop, but the compassion and acceptance was so alien to me that I didn’t really know how to take it.

So I got back to work… my anxiety decided that rather then freak me out, it was going to send me into a hyper manic state. I was full of life, happy playing, closing deals… Then around four pm the Darkness set back in, I came down and where I have a Ying I had a Yang.
I crashed so hard that it felt like my first love had told me I was too ugly to love, and decided to make up stories about my genitalia and tell all the girls at school about it all, which lead to me developing some serious body issues, that only recently I have overcome (post divorce.)
The idea that blob like myself can be with a women who isn’t big like me always seemed to be that pot of gold at the top of the bean stalk, inside the giant castle guarded by the royal rottweiler.
So I would always meet young women, fall for them, and never tell them and just friend zone myself…
This time around, however I took a chance; refused to sit back and watch what could potentially by my soul mate pass by.
So I told her and I had feelings for her, and the response was nothing I expected, she looked into my eyes, deep into my soul and said “I have had a crush on you since the moment we started talking.”

So where was I going with this?

oh… yes, So that cruel person in high School, the first person I ever loved showed me the cruel nature of teenagers, and it scared me in a way that I never realised. I carried a terrible body image about myself with me for nearly 15 years.
After my divorce I equivocally had that believe crushed, so my self image is feeling good.

God the tangent today…

So my discover, you can’t ever tell what someone is thinking about you; you can however shut off possibilities and opportunities. You also can’t stop your heart from feeling a certain way, you can convince myself otherwise but it is never a healthy thing to do or to maintain; and it always ends to the detriment of the person you are trying to protect, when simply being open and honest would have prevented that total mess.

I am in a good positive place in my life, its just funny how I crash badly to the extreme I experience highs.

I am not really sure where I have gone with this…. So i’ll just leave this here…

Hope you had a nice week, and I hope that my journey continues to be a source of inspiration, I truly hope that those of you that go through this and feel isolated and believe that no one will listen… Trust me I am listening, I maintain this blog for you; just know I go through this just like you do. you are not alone.

 

Thank you

Rick.